Dear Dad,

It's been almost 8 long years since I have seen you last! Your missing so much, you've missed so much! I know your dead and all, but I still have things I need to tell you! I have a lot of issues because of how you left things between us! I don't think I need to say this, but I am gonna anyways!! I am so damn mad at you I could spit nails. Why?? I have a lot of reasons why and I will list them, but that needs to wait till last, until I unload everything on you, knowing your in heaven and don't really care. You left me, abandon me, never even bothered to say goodbye to me. You never knew I lost my son Jacob, (well ya might now). That destroyed me, then just weeks later you were gone, without so much as a good bye!! You hurt me worse then anyone has ever hurt me, EVER!! If you were still alive I probably would have not spoken to you for a long time. You were never proud of me, or even told me you loved me, but I loved you, maybe I should have told you that now and then!! 8 years later and I still cry about you, alot! I don't deal with loss very well at all... Shortly (a year) after you died I had a dream about you, I dreamt that you were visiting me from beyond. That dream was a huge cornerstone in my grieving. HUGE!! I was able to come to terms with your loss because of that dream. It was a lucid dream, I rarely ever have those, but when I do I point them towards you. In that particular dream I dreamt that I was seeing you, in your spirit form, healed, happy and healthy. At first it was very unclear that it was a dream, but somehow your presence triggered a reality check and I spoke to you, I wanted to say that I loved you and goodbye! I did just that. At first you denied you were dead, but soon after that you told me you loved me and gave me a hug. That dream was 7 years ago, and to this day I still remember every single detail. I woke up with tears pouring out of my eyes! Better yet, I woke up with a sense of relief... I think I am long over due for another lucid dream about you. I have dreams about you almost every night, probably cause I want you back so bad, but haven't been able to have a lucid dream about you.. I am trying to teach myself how to lucid dream, I use MP3's to help,I get stoned, and try to think hard about you, think hard of you works, but doesn't trigger lucid dreams... I am beginning to wonder if that dream was really a dream? Could it have been me astro projecting? Can I do that? Astro into an alternative world where you exist? Scientists think there are other parallel worlds out there, sometimes it comforts me to think somewhere your still alive, somewhere my baby survived...
  Now on to your grand kids, Matthew and James... Matt will be 16 in a few months and he is a sophomore this year! He is really tall and wouldn't shock me if he was about your size by the time he is an adult.. Matt is mildly autistic and I stay away so I don't cause any problems. I have tried hard to not try to fight for visits, the ONLY reason I didn't fight is cause I was worried my mom would lose her visits, I wasn't about to allow that to happen. But inch by inch, step by step, Matthew is getting more and more curious, and I am giving him my all. James.... James is 10 he will turn 11 in April, his breathing problem that he was born with is gone, (he almost died around the same time you and Jacob did) (Hows that for a living, breathing hell?) Now he has another breathing disorder called VCD.. It's too long and complicated to explain, ask God about it.. James is in 5th grade, and he lives in KS. 
  Yes I moved to KS, it's cheaper out here and I have been in my own place for almost 2 years.. I talk to my mom and we KIT...  
 I need something very important from you!! I NEED you to come down, in my room, at night (ghosts prefer nights?) or when ever and tell me, or give me a sign your OK. PLEASE, I have asked many times before with no answer. You OWE that to me, if anything else... You might say "What exactly do I owe you for?" Well you owe me for leaving me when you DID!!
  Well that's enough for now.... As promised I am gonna list the reasons I am mad at you:
1) You didn't want mom to tell me you died
2) I never got the chance to say goodbye
3) You died right before Matthew's birthday
4)I found out you died from a fucken sign! (that's a #1 reason)
5) You haven't come to visit me yet (please!!!)
6) You died!
 Let me elaborate on #4! That was WRONG!! Mom said YOU wanted it that way.. You messed up another humans life for a lot of years. Now I do drugs, to stay away from the pain cause I just can't deal with it... That's why you owe me one visit, where I can be awake, talk to you, and see you!! YOU OWE ME! This may all sound a bit on the psycho side, but I need to move on. 8 years of pills have put me in a state of suspended animation, unable to grieve, unable to live, unable to make it even one day without a pill in my hand. I know your not proud of me, but that was the only way I knew how to deal with pain.. Just in case you didn't know this, dad, that's why I lost visitation with my son! Jacob died Sept 26th 2003, my other son was on a vent during Thanksgiving 2003, my friend committed suicide Dec 18 2003 and you died Jan 4th 2004.. I couldn't grieve for Jacob because James was in dire straights, he quit breathing and needed a machine. It was too much, I was wrecked and doing drugs to keep up with the hospital visits for James. I was there day and night awake waiting for any sign of life. Can you imagine?? I am sure that now that your gone you don't think of death as I do. Death here on earth is something that can push  someone over the edge, it's awful and sad, but I will bet in heaven it's a celebration.. We all know that the reason death is such a sad time, (my belief) is that Satan is evil right? Satan wants to see us do nothing but be hurting all the time, so he uses death as a bad thing. But in reality death is a passage into the new, the better but instead we mourn and cry... IDK My thoughts are a bit mixed up...  I love you dad! I will write more later
With love
M